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[17 Apr 2006|10:25pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

Fall in love a thousand times...with the same person.

1 mile to Chicago♥

[17 Apr 2006|10:05pm]
Even if it seems to be that I am failing, I may just be achieveing somthing more, had I not the courage, strenght, or ambition to take the risk of failure.
If I had taken an easier way, I do not think I could have learned as much, even though I would have a greater probability of 'success'. This builds character. I will need it later. I have been constanly pushing my limits (n->infinity) and redefining them. I've always heard that one must pass failure on the way to success. I will not be beaten.
Talent without character is worthless, however that nautral talent can be accomadated for with character. I never thought I would be compeating with East Lake's greatest minds.

[31 Mar 2006|05:39pm]
Fuck it.
2 miles to Chicago♥

[25 Mar 2006|08:09pm]
After about 5 months with Cory, I do not wish we had started this any earlyer because I feel that that time was right. Before then, we were able to form a meaningful friendship. He was and is always the one I go to when I have a problem, like when I was going to ask John to the prom last year, or like now, how my alternator in my car malfunctioned. I like his compainonship, and I don't know how I would get along without it.
I like how we are individuals, but one at the same time.
We have had some profound conversations, with jokes inserted into the diolague, and with that, I'd just like to say my life has more meaning becuase of him. I'm excited for what the future brings.

[10 Mar 2006|12:49pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I feel extreamly incompitent. I have been trying to apply for scholarships lately, but you know, whats the point. It is not as if I am going to actually receive any. All of the previous winners have either been valevictorian or have conducted some research project that I can't even comprehend.
I am doing the best that I can and I know it's not good enough. Why can't I seem to achieve half of what they do? And I am attempting to do the same, but they are given the oppertunity while I am not. I need that oppertunity more than they do. Why am I overlooked?
Of course, I admit that I am not smart. On the contrary, I have a work ethic that make up for most of it, but there are only so many hours in the day. I have a limited space in my head; I have filled that area in my brain dedicated to unconcious thought. I cannot sleep anymore. What more do I have to do inorder to be concidered, to be regonized? I am only 17 and I am expected to be well versed in EVERYTHING. I am human.
I know that I have great potential to succede. Just because I am sevendy odd places back in my class dose not mean that I will make less of a difference than who ever is number one. Why can't anyone else see that. If I am given a oppertunity to succede, I will becuase I don't quit.
I never feel good enough. I asked God for a profound life, and not an easy one. I will rest when I am dead. I will carry my cross to my grave.


thas gooud... [16 Feb 2006|10:15pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I feel good right now; very established. The pressure is off, but not for long. I succeded in taking my calc test on any kind of integration in linear, single variable calculus, and my chem I test (ch. 1-4).
I studied with this kid Spenser for four hours today. It was fun. He is extreamly intelligent.
The test was much simpler than I had origionally expected. Either I totoally got killed and I am now buried or I set that son-of-a-bitch curve.
I showed those acids and bases how to neutralize.

Everything else is, hopfully, cleared up now. Well, at least, they are clearing and I hope will sustain their clear state. We shall see. I did not request a quick one-step, one-deed, fix. We shall see if my greaviences are remembered and dwelled upon.


[13 Feb 2006|03:49pm]
Dissapointed and frustrated. Conviently dissapointed and frustrated. I only have lowly approiate expectations, which are never taken into concideration. I feel like a sucker. If I wasn't in this situation at this time, I wouldn't have expected anything, and thus I would have felt not as ignored or overlooked.

[08 Feb 2006|07:43pm]
Today I learned to live a little bit more. I received my calculus test today. I scored a 55%. That is to say, I retained 55% of the information given to me. In pre-Alison, I would have been excrucatingly upset becuase I work and studied and practiced for it. But I am not.
Other people scored lower than me and not much higher, but that is not the point. I worked hard to learn that material and I'm just going to have to continue. I cannot expect to learn evey concept with ease. Success is only glorious when it is reached throgh trebulation. Mr. Murphy told me that it took him a year to firmly grasp some of the suff that he is teaching us. Mind you, the AP test is in 3 months.
Before, I felt like that grade was sevearly personal; that it totally refected who I was. Now, I feel that it is just telling me how much futher I need to go.
I don't plan to pass the AP Calc BC Exam. On the contrary, I will study like I do. I am just trying to gather up all the calculus that I can right now. If I don't understand some of it, then I will make up that other % later. Great achievements follow great lenghts.

[30 Jan 2006|02:09pm]
[ mood | envious ]

Out of the much aclaimed seven deadly sins, I feel that I am most vulnenerable to envy. I do not mean the envy of worldy possesions or of any other vainities of the sort.
I toil and work and lose sleep in preperation of what I so longingly hope to acomplish. What do I plan to accomplish? I see others who effortlessly attain the knolwdge that I exasperatingly work for. And the fruits of my labor sometimes turn a yeild of 70% of what others can do with out frustration. I am jelious and wonder why my brain capacity can be so low.
And I ask myself, why am I doing this? Why to I want something that is persistantly out of my grasp.And it is just at my fingertips, nonethe less. What a tease. But I have never felt such passion for anything in my life before this. Something inside of picked me up and threw me into a black hole, literaly. I was only 15. I had no idea that there were particals that made up electrons, prontons and nutrons (flavored too).
I don't have natural talent for it, on the contrary, I will attain an ability for it. I think this is where God wants me to go. I have a thirst for knowlege, maybe He saw that. But as I am told by Him, I need to take up my cross and follow Him. This could very well be it. I have never had such a burden in my short 17 years. I am a slave to mathmatics. Calculus makes me cringe, but I get excited by it.
I think this is where I need to be going. If it is not, please save me before I spend my life in vain.


[17 Dec 2004|10:41pm]
I must admit to you all. It is easier to have you read this, so I would not have to speak a word about it. Although many of you suspect what I am about to disclose, I must directly address it.

I am still attracted to Eddie, despite all of his bogus sagas. When I see him it is inevidable; I just feel myself jump. I am not fond of this, actually I am rather ashamed, that is why you must read it from me. Sometimes I think he puts up a front, but I never know where the boundires lie. It is possible that he could be just like us, but I am not sure. Sometimes I think he likes me too, and other times I wonder if he thinks of me as annoying. Maybe he thought I had a front because he knew he put up one also. All of this is intolerable.

And thank you Lauren for that thoughtful gift and Ryan for his rose.
2 miles to Chicago♥

[15 Dec 2004|09:37pm]
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

That night, when all were seated at the long table with the French plates before them containing nothing, trumpets sounded and the orchestra began playing solemn music, and into the hall came Barbara- dress in flowing robes, with a single flower in her hair and the lovely amber necklace about her lovely throat.

[13 Dec 2004|09:44pm]
Even though I am famished, I have a nasuating feeling when ever I think or look at food. This is a commen feeling that has only returned since maybe the top of September.
1 mile to Chicago♥

[12 Dec 2004|10:04pm]
I normally don't write about my day, but I would like to break from habit.(Lauren have some gum). I went to work today and I had a younge man, about 20 years of age, request a cheese buger and a coke. Not only was his order out of order, but it was a male. They come to the tea house about once a month.

And since I woke up late this morn, I went to church at night with Ryan. Guess who was there. Take a guess; wild guess. Ryan was laughing.

Where ever I am divinely ment to go, God shall lead me there.

[08 Dec 2004|09:36pm]
You Are the Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

[06 Dec 2004|04:51pm]
I am sinceraly sorry if I offended anyone with my last entry. It was not direct at any one I know personally. I was speaking about socity and I saw the effects of it in my friends. I am glad Chel that you are a good writer and I don't expect anyone to understand/listen to what I have to say, I just want to share my amazement with all. Just to let eveyone know, I am learning physics as you all are. I have a B due to my mestakes that I learned from. I personally do not claim to know all there is to know on the subject. I never accused anyone of being stupid. I never said marrage was wrong. I believe sex before marrage is.NONE OF THAT WAS PERSONAL. What would the world be if we were all headed in the same direction? Why can't I express what I feel? I am only stating what I believe, although it may sound like fact, but that is only becuase I say it to myslef.
1 mile to Chicago♥

[05 Dec 2004|07:08pm]
It was not my intention to offend anyone with my last entry. It was not directed at anyone inparticualar. I was upset and this is my journal, so likewise, I wrote what I felt.
6 miles to Chicago♥

[04 Dec 2004|11:32pm]
I am appaled and finished with life. I hate life. I hate sex. It wasn't ment to be spent as such. We have made a mockery out of this earthly being. I am disgusted. I hate capatlism. I hate communmsion. I hate going to school in order to get a job to support a family. I don't want a family. I don't care about money. I just want to learn. I want to learn to the fullest extent without having to cut corners because of the fact that it is impossable to sleep otherwise. I want to live. I hate daily activities. I want to live from day to day doing whatever is necessary, not because I always do becuase it is another day. I am just sick. Life wasn't supposed to be this way. I am here to find God and carry out His will. It is not to get rich, or to do other selfish things like have sex for fun. I have found Him and I am in the process of figuring out what He wants me to do. I hate petty things. The pressurs of socity are petty and unmeaningful and if you, whoever you are, fail to see that, then I am terriabley sorry that you waisted your life. Follow your heart. I am tring to break away from socity's vicious circle. I want to go live in a little village in Poland for the rest of my life.
2 miles to Chicago♥

[28 Nov 2004|08:52pm]
Wednesday I get to finally drive Christine.

I figured out this whole team thing and why I feel sometimes like I am fighting against somethings. I personally will fight for the manifestation of the Kingdome of God and I ask you to join me. Togeather we can remind eachother of the ultimate cause.

[27 Nov 2004|10:33pm]
...I would like to escape.

[27 Nov 2004|05:45pm]
I shall forget all of my tensions, as I suggested to the MUN team last weekend. This simplifies everything to civility.

The saga continues...
Johnny texed Amy yesterday. This was supposedly to get my number becuase he is coming to Florida for a month or possibly to stay. We'll see where this goes...

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